"When I told my doctor I couldn’t afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays. " ~~ Henry Youngman
"Writing a book is not as tough as it is to haul thirty-five people around the country and sweat like a horse five nights a week." ~~ Bette Midler
"Communism is like one big phone company. " ~~ Lenny Bruce
"I wouldn’t say I invented tacky, but I definitely brought it to its present high popularity. " ~~ Bette Midler
"All our final decisions are made in a state of mind that is not going to last. " ~~ Marcel Proust
"When you are eight years old, nothing is any of your business. " ~~ Lenny Bruce
"Your responsibility as a parent is not as great as you might imagine. You need not supply the world with the next conqueror of disease or major motion picture star. If your child simply grows up to be someone who does not use the word “collectible” as a noun, you can consider yourself an unqualified success. " ~~ Fran Lebowitz
"Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. " ~~ Phyllis Diller
"Television has raised writing to a new low." ~~ Samuel Goldwyn
"I can’t listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland." ~~ Woody Allen
"I just got wonderful news from my real estate agent in Florida. They found land on my property. " ~~ Milton Berle
"I was so self-conscious, every time football players went into a huddle, I thought they were talking about me." ~~ Jackie Mason
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