"When you are eight years old, nothing is any of your business. " ~~ Lenny Bruce
"Your responsibility as a parent is not as great as you might imagine. You need not supply the world with the next conqueror of disease or major motion picture star. If your child simply grows up to be someone who does not use the word “collectible” as a noun, you can consider yourself an unqualified success. " ~~ Fran Lebowitz
"Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. " ~~ Phyllis Diller
"Television has raised writing to a new low." ~~ Samuel Goldwyn
"I can’t listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland." ~~ Woody Allen
"I was so self-conscious, every time football players went into a huddle, I thought they were talking about me." ~~ Jackie Mason
"Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxi cabs and cutting hair. " ~~ George Burns
"Laughter is an instant vacation. " ~~ Milton Berle
"If youth knew; if age could. " ~~ Sigmund Freud
"If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door. " ~~ Milton Berle
"I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o clock. " ~~ Henny Youngman
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. " ~~ Henry Youngman
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