"You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone." ~~ Phyllis Diller
"We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. " ~~ Phyllis Diller
"Golf is more fun than walking naked in a strange place, but not much. " ~~ Buddy Hackett
"I never think of the future – it comes soon enough. " ~~ Albert Einstein
"Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going. " ~~ Phyllis Diller
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. " ~~ George Burns
"Chemistry can be a good and bad thing. Chemistry is good when you make love with it. Chemistry is bad when you make crack with it." ~~ Adam Sandler
"The only difference between the Democrats and the Republicans is that the Democrats allow the poor to be corrupt, too. " ~~ Oscar Levant
"My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. " ~~ Henry Youngman
"The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer them a drink. " ~~ Fran Lebowitz
"Assumptions are the termites of relationships." ~~ Henry Winkler
"Success to me is having ten honeydew melons, and eating only the top half of each one." ~~ Barbra Streisand
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