"Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance? " ~~ Phyllis Diller
"Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies. " ~~ Milton Berle
"Tax reform is taking the taxes off things that have been taxed in the past and putting taxes on things that haven’t been taxed before. " ~~ Art Buchwald
"There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. " ~~ Henry Kissinger
"A good man doesn’t just happen. They have to be created by us women. A guy is a lump like a doughnut." ~~ Roseanne Barr
"If you want to give God a good laugh, tell Him your plans." ~~ Yiddish Proverb
"Television is a medium because it is neither rare nor well done. " ~~ Ernie Kovacs
"To me, if life boils down to one thing, it’s movement. To live is to keep moving. " ~~ Jerry Seinfeld
"I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them. " ~~ Phyllis Diller
"Not the cardplayer pays the penalty but only the man who knows not how to play, yet does." ~~ Yiddish Proverb
"Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money. " ~~ Jackie Mason
"Educational television should be absolutely forbidden. It can only lead to unreasonable disappointment when your child discovers that the letters of the alphabet do not leap up out of books and dance around with royal-blue chickens. " ~~ Fran Lebowitz
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