"I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book. " ~~ Groucho Marx
"Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance? " ~~ Phyllis Diller
"Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies. " ~~ Milton Berle
"Tax reform is taking the taxes off things that have been taxed in the past and putting taxes on things that haven’t been taxed before. " ~~ Art Buchwald
"There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. " ~~ Henry Kissinger
"A good man doesn’t just happen. They have to be created by us women. A guy is a lump like a doughnut." ~~ Roseanne Barr
"If you want to give God a good laugh, tell Him your plans." ~~ Yiddish Proverb
"Television is a medium because it is neither rare nor well done. " ~~ Ernie Kovacs
"To me, if life boils down to one thing, it’s movement. To live is to keep moving. " ~~ Jerry Seinfeld
"I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them. " ~~ Phyllis Diller
"Not the cardplayer pays the penalty but only the man who knows not how to play, yet does." ~~ Yiddish Proverb
"Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money. " ~~ Jackie Mason
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