"The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue. " ~~ Oscar Levant
"You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." ~~ Henny Youngman
"When God sneezed, I didn’t know what to say." ~~ Henny Youngman
"Your anger can be 49% and your comedy 51 %, and you’re okay. If the anger is 51%, the comedy is gone." ~~ Joan Rivers
"I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me." ~~ Woody Allen
"The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from." ~~ Andrew S. Tanenbaum
"A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours. " ~~ Milton Berle
"The hardest thing in the world to understand, is income tax." ~~ Albert Einstein
"You’ve got to be honest; if you can fake that, you’ve got it made. " ~~ George Burns
"The worst part of success is trying to find someone who is happy for you. " ~~ Bette Midler
"Women should try to increase their size rather than decrease it, because I believe the bigger we are, the more space we’ll take up, and the more we’ll have to be reckoned with. " ~~ Roseanne Barr
"A smile is a curve that sets everything straight. " ~~ Phyllis Diller
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